.view from the bottom

When I was 21, having escaped from a number of serious relationships back in Utah, I was living in Gurnee, Illinois--without a dating prospect in the world. I remember feeling very lost. When I was done working at night I would go lay on my bed and think. Sometimes about the idea of never being married and never getting to have kids. It's at that time that I decided I wanted to serve a mission for my church. I was listening to the tapes that my friend Nichole recorded and sent to me from her mission. I loved them! I wanted to have more purpose in my life than taking care of someone else's kids. (I didn't end up going on a mission, but that's a whole other story)

I remember thinking about how someday all I wanted in the world was to be with my future husband (who I knew would be cute) in our own little apartment that I could decorate myself with our own furniture, our own dishes, our own flowers... The thought of that made me so happy and hopeful. I knew that if I ever got to that point I would just constantly be in complete bliss. Constantly.

Four years later and here I am. {If you want to know how it happened, click here}

I know that "the younger me" would have given anything to be right here and to have nothing more than this. I was right then, I am extremely blissful and I love Air more than I ever comprehended back then. But I still forget how blessed I am to have this cute little place to live in, a very cute husband, and everything else that my dreams entailed back then. I just keep wanting more.

I am still fully aware that at this point in my life I'm at the bottom. Not only do we literally live below ground level. In a little basement. But I am figuratively living at the bottom of my life. In the beginning stages. There is still a whole lot of life ahead for me and Air, yet to be seen. We have a long way to go. And a lot of learning and growing to do.

But at least I'm not as close to the bottom as I was before I had Aaron.

And now I can keep dreaming about another future:

Someday we'll have kids.

Someday we'll live in a bigger place that I can decorate with more furniture and more dishes and bigger flowers (maybe even trees!).

Someday Air will be done with school and have a career.

Someday Air and I will be able to serve a mission together. We would love that!

And when I'm there, I'll look back at today and be more grateful for the things I'll have, that I might not be so grateful for otherwise. Because at least I won't be back here.

There's a lot to look forward to and even though we'll most likely have a lot of trials in our lives, it's going to be really great.

I feel like I'm standing at the foot of an enormous mountain and looking up. Of course the view from the top of a mountain is amazing--when you can see the whole world below you; but it's also incredible to look up at the mountain from the ground. Its a beautiful view from down here too.

And sometimes when it's not so good here at the bottom--cookies help.

A lot.